A letter to my Inner Child

To Steven

I know you are scared and that you haven’t told me everything but I know enough, I think, to tell you some things.
First of all, please believe me when I tell you how I am proud of the things you survived, to have been through even the bits that you have allowed me to remember and still be fighting is a magical thing.

I know you feel bad about that happened, and that you feel that you were to blame in some way for what was done to you and what happened to Dad but it was not your fault. I know that you done believe this but it is true, it wasn’t your fault.

There was nothing you could have done to prevent it, nothing you could have done to keep the family together.
I know that it has left you feeling very scared hat at any moment ‘They’ will come to get you, to take you away. To take you from what little feelings of security you have left.

I know that the worst is that despite everything you did, and tried to do, you were rejected by the one that should have loved you the most, hurt by the one that should have protected you and betrayed by the one that you should have been able to rely on. Despite everything you did She didn’t love you, still doesn’t, but that too is not your fault.
All of this, all of the things you blame yourself for, the things you think you did wrong, the things you feel you should have done but didn’t, the things you failed at, none of this was your fault.

I know that this is difficult for you to see but it is not because of you that she hurt you, that she didn’t love you.
You have done everything that you could, and things that you should never have been made to do, but nothing you could have done would have been good enough for her and nothing that you could have done would have prevented her hurting you, doing the things she did to you.

Because she never wanted you, because she never, couldn’t, love you like a mother should. Because she never cared for you or about you doesn’t mean that nobody can ever love you want you or care for you.

Steven, please try to believe that you are more than good enough.

And I am proud of what you did, what you managed to achieve and any failings and dreams that we failed to achieve are my fault and not yours.

And I am sorry that I been unable to let you be the person you deserve to be.

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